I just wrote my own obituary

Sitting in bed this morning while my daughter and husband are watching television, I just wrote my own obituary. I didn't write it down but I wrote it in my head. It was a bit long before I finally just stopped myself and said "Hey... why am I doing this? And if I am going to do this, maybe I should write it down?" I don't know. I think obituaries are supposed to be written by others. They are like eulogies. People put in them what they know and remember about you, not necessarily the truth as the deceased person knows it.

I wrote about my life, where I had gone to school, relationships, and how I met my husband. I rambled about some of the dark times, and about some of the choices I made. I mentioned why I didn't have a lot of close friends. You never see that stuff in a real obituary. I am still thinking I might write it. Maybe put it in a Google Doc or even just write it in a notebook and put it away somewhere for no one to see it.

If I am writing, but not writing it down, does it count as writing? Hmm.... I guess not. Too bad. I feel like I am in a pre-writing stage some days. I am percolating ideas, but not ready to put pen and paper together, or fingers on the keyboard. Putting pen and paper together would probably be better for my body since my right arm is bothering me lately. I am putting the blame on too much computer mouse time but I don't really know. On the other hand putting fingers on keyboard means I'm less likely to lose it since I have a place to store it online.

Does anyone who reads this write? What do you prefer? Pen or keyboard?

What will you say in your obituary? What do you want the world to know?

Image by ...anna christina... via Flickr

I caved and bought "The Spark" by Chris Downie

We went back to Barnes & Noble this week one night to check out their clearance sale again. Abby found a few $2 things, and so did I. Coincidentally the clearance section was right next to the diet and exercise books. I found "The Spark" by Chris Downie in paperback. I had already seen the ads on the Sparkpeople website so I knew that I could find the book on sale. Unfortunately I forgot to bring my coupons with me, but I still got a good deal on the book. Buying the book gives you access to "special" things online, added material that is not available with the free version. So although I haven't gotten very far in the book I did immediately skip to the page where I got my online access code and I've started checking out those bonus features. I signed up to get a free magazine and found some easy cardio things that I can do indoors. I've been a couch potato this week so finding some motivation is a definite good thing.

And in spite of being a couch potato I still managed to lose a pound. So yahoo! I guess the tracking is really, really helping. Hopefully I can break this rut, this plateau, etc. and get back to losing some weight. I still have nearly 20 pounds to go.
 

Working on it

Working on that New Years goals list. I peeked at the scales this morning and I was down a little. I wasn't down on Friday when I "officially" weighed-in so I'm not going to count that sneak peek that I took, but I am HOPING to stay motivated this week and be down a little still on Friday. Fingers crossed!!! I have some small rewards in mind if I hit a certain milestone. Little $10-$15 or less things. I hope I get them soon!!

And speaking of goals... I am cutting down my message board time like I said I would. I'm still wasting time on computer games and Facebook, but I am cutting back my time on the message boards and also on SparkPeople a little too. I'm not in a hurry to cut back on Spark People because supposedly spending time on there will motivate me to lose more weight and I don't want to undo that. However I do want to spend more time exercising and more time writing. So less computer time overall is a good thing.

A case of the "if onlys" and writing and ramblings

 I have been on a little self-pity trip today. I want, I want... we can't afford it... if only I had more time and more money then I could.... and really... I like my life so why all this whining? And what's with all the excuses? I don't have time to write?? I have acquaintances who write in the middle of the night. Sleep is for wimps, right? One of my coworkers goes home from work, sleeps, gets up 4 hours later, writes for 4 hours, and then goes back to bed for 4 hours, and then gets up for work. Somehow that craziness works for her. I may not have her schedule exactly right but that's the general idea of it. She really writes too. She's been working on a novel for years. I know someone else who works full time, has a teenaged daughter, and twin toddlers and she manages to write A LOT and submit her work and get it published etc.. and she's a single parent to boot. So really I have no excuses. I just need to do it. That being said it took me a long, long time to write what I wanted to say at my maternal grandmother's funeral in 2009 and even after all the editing and revisions I still changed it at the last minute and then no one remembered a word I said after it was over.

So today I was listening to Pandora and every so often a song would hit me "just right" and I would think "Oh, I should write down that lyric. I should write down that phrase.. I like that.. I want to come back to it..." but I didn't write it down because I am lame and because I was working and I didn't feel like taking the few seconds that I needed to do just one more thing... so now I have nothing and I don't think I can reach back into Pandora and pull it all back out.

Speaking of Pandora and music... and yeah I am really rambling tonight... I heard that John Mellencamp is going through his third divorce. He's got 5 kids between the three wives and none of the wives names are Diane. I know when I was a kid or a teen listening to "Jack and Diane" I always wondered "Whatever happened to Diane?" I guess he didn't marry her. Ah well.



Maybe I should have been a songwriter, but you know that would have been really, really hard because I can't seem to do the music. Music is just so abstract for me. I have A LOT of respect for musicians because I cannot do what they do. I played guitar for several years and even learned the five-string banjo for a bit but it was always reading the music and then putting my fingers where they needed to go. I could never play "by ear". I could never read music and sing correctly. Too abstract. I don't know where to put my voice to make it right. I can try to follow along or blend in if I hear it but I can't read the music on the page and sing it. And I can't hear the music being played and play the instrument. It just doesn't work for me. So how on earth could I write song lyrics? I don't know but I think some of my poetry and some of my other writing has had lyric potential. I was just never able to put it together. Never able to make something happen there. Too bad. Maybe IF ONLY... things had been different I could have made some money at it because you know listening to the radio, listening to Pandora, or whatever... I think "Hey! I could have written that. My lyrics are just as good as that stuff, and you know they kind of fit in with what that band or singer is all about...." but I .didn't roll that lot in life.

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Instead I sit at a desk in a cubicle somewhere and whine to myself about not having enough money or enough free time. Then I get home and I remember it's not about the free time or the money. It's about living somewhere that you like and sharing that home with wonderful people who you love.

I got that baby. I got that a lot. The house may be a mess and look like crap but it's on a dead end street with a walk to the lake and there is a man and a little girl who love me and you know ... that's where it's at. That's all I REALLY need at the end of the day.

We got snow

We live in New England. It snows here. We get "Nor'Easterns" or whatever they call them. So we got one. It started last night and snowed all day today. Everything shut down and the Governor told everyone to stay home. We probably got 16-20 inches of snow so yes, it's a lot. My daughter had never seen so much snow and she is loving it! We went outside for a couple of hours and walked around in the stuff. She made snow angels, ate it, caught it with her tongue, got stuck in the snowbanks, and had a blast. When the weekend comes we'll go sledding and make a snowman. What we didn't get was ice, and for that I am ever so grateful. Our power stayed on and we stayed warm and we enjoyed the day. It was what a snow day should be. Lots of shoveling and a kid having fun. Yay for a normal New England winter snow day!

and yeah the picture here is not of my kid.. it's just something I got from Zemanta....

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More about the snow here--
http://www.newser.com/story/109583/connecticut-could-get-30-plus-inches-of-snow.html

http://www.daylife.com/photo/0cJgbLo7ab7mV?utm_source=zemanta&utm_medium=p&utm_content=0cJgbLo7ab7mV&utm_campaign=z1

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2011-01-12/storm-pounds-boston-after-dumping-new-snow-on-new-york.html

New years goals

I'm sick and I should be asleep but instead I'm awake at 10pm and bored. The sickness is helping in the weight-loss by the way. I'm not exercising very much but I'm not eating either and I think I'll have snow to shovel later this week so that should make up for my laziness today.

So New years goals not in any order--

1. get my freaken upgrade at work! I've been working on this one for years and it darned well better happen in 2011 or there are going to be some serious decisions to be made in this family.

2. Get down to my wedding weight, and maybe even go below that if the doc says it's okay. I've got permission to get that far, not sure how much lower I can go or will want to go. Not sure if I'll even make it. I'm about half-way there now though so I'm hoping. Was originally hoping to get there by March, but realistically I'm giving myself until summer because I think that is when my next check-up will be anyway.

3. Use my time more "wisely" ... hmm? Write more. Message board less. I'm still going to keep Facebook going, but at the risk of losing some (okay a lot!) of friends I'm going to try to spend less time on message boards and more time on writing. I keep letting life get in the way of writing. I keep coming up with excuses not to write and I need to stop doing that. Really! I mean did you know that the internet is full of bloggers who actually WRITE. What do they write about? I don't know. Mostly crapola that they feel like writing about I guess... and wait.. if they can do that, and get readers or followers or whatever.. then WTF am I doing? I should be writing too! I have 2 other blogs besides this one and they both get far more readers than this one does. I need to get off my butt because obviously I can write, and I like to write so I need to do what I like to do! Obvious, I know!

4. Okay... this isn't really a goal this is just life. Our lives are changing. Sweet little girl is going to graduate from preschool this summer. She is going to enter the feared public school system in the fall. Big change for her, and big change for us. We will have to change our work schedules, buy a second vehicle, and adjust our budgets etc... we are looking forward to some of the changes and we are nervous about them too. I will miss my morning and afternoon commutes with my husband. I will have more commuting time by myself, and I think the kid is going to have more one-on-one time with each of us parents. At least that is what I anticipate. So lots of changes there.. and that's not a goal. My goal is to make those changes as positive as possible. Hopefully one outcome will be less debt since the preschool tuition will go away but I know with the added vehicle and other childcare expenses it is still going to be a juggle. Fingers crossed though because we are getting near the end of our rope money-wise. (And I say that every January, but every January it gets a little worse because we are already in debt from the years before).

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