A case of the "if onlys" and writing and ramblings

 I have been on a little self-pity trip today. I want, I want... we can't afford it... if only I had more time and more money then I could.... and really... I like my life so why all this whining? And what's with all the excuses? I don't have time to write?? I have acquaintances who write in the middle of the night. Sleep is for wimps, right? One of my coworkers goes home from work, sleeps, gets up 4 hours later, writes for 4 hours, and then goes back to bed for 4 hours, and then gets up for work. Somehow that craziness works for her. I may not have her schedule exactly right but that's the general idea of it. She really writes too. She's been working on a novel for years. I know someone else who works full time, has a teenaged daughter, and twin toddlers and she manages to write A LOT and submit her work and get it published etc.. and she's a single parent to boot. So really I have no excuses. I just need to do it. That being said it took me a long, long time to write what I wanted to say at my maternal grandmother's funeral in 2009 and even after all the editing and revisions I still changed it at the last minute and then no one remembered a word I said after it was over.

So today I was listening to Pandora and every so often a song would hit me "just right" and I would think "Oh, I should write down that lyric. I should write down that phrase.. I like that.. I want to come back to it..." but I didn't write it down because I am lame and because I was working and I didn't feel like taking the few seconds that I needed to do just one more thing... so now I have nothing and I don't think I can reach back into Pandora and pull it all back out.

Speaking of Pandora and music... and yeah I am really rambling tonight... I heard that John Mellencamp is going through his third divorce. He's got 5 kids between the three wives and none of the wives names are Diane. I know when I was a kid or a teen listening to "Jack and Diane" I always wondered "Whatever happened to Diane?" I guess he didn't marry her. Ah well.



Maybe I should have been a songwriter, but you know that would have been really, really hard because I can't seem to do the music. Music is just so abstract for me. I have A LOT of respect for musicians because I cannot do what they do. I played guitar for several years and even learned the five-string banjo for a bit but it was always reading the music and then putting my fingers where they needed to go. I could never play "by ear". I could never read music and sing correctly. Too abstract. I don't know where to put my voice to make it right. I can try to follow along or blend in if I hear it but I can't read the music on the page and sing it. And I can't hear the music being played and play the instrument. It just doesn't work for me. So how on earth could I write song lyrics? I don't know but I think some of my poetry and some of my other writing has had lyric potential. I was just never able to put it together. Never able to make something happen there. Too bad. Maybe IF ONLY... things had been different I could have made some money at it because you know listening to the radio, listening to Pandora, or whatever... I think "Hey! I could have written that. My lyrics are just as good as that stuff, and you know they kind of fit in with what that band or singer is all about...." but I .didn't roll that lot in life.

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Instead I sit at a desk in a cubicle somewhere and whine to myself about not having enough money or enough free time. Then I get home and I remember it's not about the free time or the money. It's about living somewhere that you like and sharing that home with wonderful people who you love.

I got that baby. I got that a lot. The house may be a mess and look like crap but it's on a dead end street with a walk to the lake and there is a man and a little girl who love me and you know ... that's where it's at. That's all I REALLY need at the end of the day.